I have a new Top. Wow, never thought I'd write that, for many reasons. I'm really happy! Unfortunately he lives far away so we haven't seen each other yet. But I have to say, this guy does it right. Which leads me to examine what makes a good Top, for me? Well, first of all, he is respectful and always has been; he politely messaged me to initiate contact, nothing sexual. I like that. Some girls may like it when a Top, or a guy looking for a date even, says right off the bat that he wants to fuck you, but that turns me off. I like compliments for sure, but since I really think some guys will fuck anyone and anything, that particular topic, right away, doesn't make me feel at all special. My new Top has always been respectful of my boundaries, asking permission for anything he feels might be taking a new step and being completely willing to discuss our budding relationship. This is particularly important to me - defining the relationship. I am married. I am going to stay married. I am also exploring polyamory - and my husband and I are open about everything. The polyamory itself - revealing that desire - is problematic because to many (maybe most, not sure) men this says "easy". Just a tip for the guys: it doesn't mean that. But my new Top cared enough and was honest enough to discuss this with me. He is respectful of my marriage and although he might want "more", he knows that right now is the time to build a friendship and trust. We had a long conversation the first time we spoke on the phone and he asked me all about my desires and needs. The really important thing about this is that he listened. And the next time we spoke he was right on it! For the curious, I told him that I needed someone to show me that he cared about me as a person. Yes, I like to be petted and complimented but I also like a very firm Top who pays close attention to me and my actions and reacts the way I need him to. With my new guy this means that he noticed every time I said anything self-deprecating and dealt with it, firmly. I used to think I didn't care much about being made to appreciate myself; I'm aware and evolved and self confidence comes from within right? Well having someone deal with my bad habit of devaluing myself, in this specific, concrete way has really given me a boost! And guess what? I'm not putting myself down anymore, partially because I asked my husband to punish me for the same thing! So it has really worked! I feel empowered and completely worthy now - I realize that I deserve to be treated with respect, care and love and I'm asking for it! My new guy also is very specific in his compliments too. If I get spanked (and yes this is self spanking) he tells me what he knows about me thus far and specifically what he likes - and very little of it has to do with my looks. Though he does tell me how beautiful I am and for once - I believe it. So I suppose "doing it right" is caring enough to pay attention to me, as a person, not just an ass. "Doing it right" is being very firm when I test him - and I have (he passed). "Doing it right" is being very loving and attentive but appropriate for the stage of our relationship. "Doing it right" is showing me that I am important to him - I don't require constant attention but it's my view that if something or someone is important to you, you make time - even if it's just a 3 minute call or a text saying you'll chat next week! He shows me that I matter to him, that he wants to get to know me better. It also doesn't hurt that he is great on the phone; playful and funny sometimes, affectionate and open with his feelings, yet when it comes time for firmness (such as if I try to slip in a remark about myself that is less than complimentary) - he is THERE. He doesn't miss anything! I really need someone who sees me. He does. Not that I need validation from the outside - I know that this can only come from within, but it is really satisfying to relate this way to someone else. I hope that he feels good about himself as well - I've told him everything that I just wrote. He wouldn't be doing this Top thing right, for me, if he wasn't a good person to begin with. And he is.
About the self-spanking:
Yes, I really thought, in the beginning, that I wouldn't be able to get any satisfaction from this activity - I'm a practical person and it just seemed silly! But it has been really good! It's because of him! It's not the spanking or the pain that does it for me - I do actually bruise myself because I get into it. It's the voice on the other end of the phone that somehow transforms me into a naughty little girl who knows she's been bad and has to face the consequences! I've cried! this has almost never happened for me - once with my husband, that's it. But I've cried many times with my new guy, not from pain (though it does smart!) but from the whole scene - he does it right!! So I'm revising my previous opinion on self spanking - with the right Top it works for me!!