Wednesday, November 5, 2008
What do you do with a Toppy Bottom??
I am coming to the conclusion that I am a Toppy Bottom. Hmmm. What to do? Not a problem in some relationships, but in others - it tends to tip the power balance my way and hurt the dynamic. A Top who is not very dominant in real life can be overwhelmed by someone like me - I'm dramatic and intense, very loving but that can sometimes be perceived as demanding. I know what I want, I have high standards, I like (and sometimes really need) attention. I can be insecure and look for validation from others. Especially when I'm feeling down. I have a relationship where this tendency of mine has overwhelmed the other person. This is a long distance friendship - if I were closer physically it would be easier because he could deal with me in person, but it's all by way of text, email, occasional phone conversations. I have been very depressed (even suicidal) lately due to circumstances in my life and I've never told this friend that, but I have been very intense with him. Dramatic at times. A pain in the ass sometimes. Maybe a lot. He is now pulling away, not answering texts except when the subject is very superficial. I don't blame him - he is most likely feeling (maybe unconsciously) that he has no power in this relationship and needs to pull away from me. Even my husband of 20 years has told me that I can be too much for him, even now! And this friend is young. I also realize that I am unlike most or all of the people he knows and interacts with. I'm a lot harder. I want to return the power to him - I want him as a play partner, a Top, but my energy has become too much for him. I am pulling back my energy from him - and I need to tell him this. He needs to hear my voice, but I'm pretty sure he won't call me, at least for awhile - and I don't blame him at all! So I'm wondering what the best course of action is here. I feel that I should give him a week or so, talk to my counselor, then maybe call him then. I don't want to badger him to talk just to tell him I'm backing off. But I am pulling back my energy, because this is the best way to love him now (and I do love him). He needs to have power in this relationship, he needs to call the shots now. This is how I can best love him. This is someone that I felt an immediate connection to - I feel that we've known each other for a long time. We are old friends. I miss him, I want so much to play with him again...but it has to be his call now, because I love him.