Been awhile...

A lot has happened since my last entry...all pretty good but definitely not easy! My personal life is ever-evolving as my husband of 21 years and I face the challenges of growth and change. It has been about a year since I came out to him as polyamorous and told him I couldn't pretend anymore, that I couldn't "do marriage" as we've been doing it (ie monogamously). He's been going through amazing growth...doesn't necessarily mean he is poly...but we decide each day to stay with our relationship and make it work for both of us. For the first time in my life, I don't know exactly what's going to happen...and I'm being still with it.
Anyway...aside from the poly evolution, my husband is also dealing with my need for spanko playmates...another point of insecurity for him that he is processing in his own way. He is not really a spanko...he spanks me because I love it and he likes my reaction...intense arousal! But if he were single, spanking would not be the first (or second) thing he would think of doing with a woman. He only likes to spank me...has no desire to play with others and has a hard time understanding why I desire it, especially if there is no sex involved (aside form the obvious arousal of the spanking itself). But, he accepts my desires and yes, I play with others.
The form of this play has changed since last year though - I will admit that when I hopped a plane and travelled to meet (and stay with) a spanko friend last year, I was desperate. I absolutely had to get AWAY...and this boy (he was 28, I was 42) offered an escape, at least for a few days. The spanking was mediocre; too severe, no real warmup and no endorphin rush (I hadn't experienced that at all yet at that time). I ended up really badly bruised...but I loved it, because the entire experience was a fantasy and I was crushing on the guy. This won't happen again...no more taking off. And oh yeah, I slept with him too. Mistake on many levels...my husband knew about it, yes, but it was a mistake, trust me. That won't happen again either.
I had another crazy, acting-out experience soon after that trip....same kind of thing, only local. Not a good choice. Live and learn. Seems that the lessons I didn't learn at 20 years old about men, dating, sex (because I got married and avoided the whole thing!) were still necessary.
Fast forward to now...and I have a local playmate. Completely non-sexual...he is monogamously married and we've played together, the three of us (one Top to two bottoms). Amazing. The first time we played, he spanked me for two hours; four separate spankings with lots of checking in and talk. I flew! I was so blissed out by the end of the playtime...I finally got what I was really needing and wanting! The endorphin high lasted for a good three days...and I wasn't even bruised, just red for a day or so. The second time we palyed i got to indulge my "public" fantasy a bit....his wife watched, because I asked her to. We chatted and bratted while I was across his lap...maybe not the smartest time to brat, but oh well! Got her into trouble...and I got to watch my first real life adult spanking.
My husband? He's cool with this arrangement. I've been careful to involve him in every aspect of this...he needs to feel safe - which is to say he needs to feel that I am safe. He still doesn't get why we do this, maybe he never will. He may never participate in play with another couple, he may never feel comfortable going to a spanking party...but he's ok with me doing it. We're deciding every day to stay with each other...and that means staying with the real person, not some idealized version in a long-ago wedding photo.
Meanwhile...I'm playing and having a blast! I swear, I think I'd never be depressed again if I got properly spanked on a regular basis...that means long, with a build up and eventually pretty hard - until I cry. That's happened twice with my new playmate(s). Once with my husband...he's also learning what I need.

More Rambling on Topping...

What is it that a Bottom needs from a Top? More than simply a smacked ass, a Bottom needs a world. Like it or not, a Top provides the world for a Bottom. The environment, the emotional milieu within which the Bottom can let go! A Bottom is most often (at least I am) a person who is very much in charge in their real life. It also takes a fair amount of self confidence to explore submission. So Bottoms are strong people, oftentimes too strong and too controlled, especially in the case of women. Many female Bottoms are caretakers; they “take care” of everything and sometimes everyone in their lives. Sexual power play, exploration of domination and submission, can be very cathartic and cleansing. But inherent in this partnership is a deep responsibility for both parties. The Bottom needs to be self aware, have defined, strong boundaries and the ability to communicate them. They also need to have a strong radar about their playmates and choose carefully – obviously! But the Top has, as I’ve said before, an almost SACRED obligation to the Bottom. The Bottom gifts the top with their TRUST. The wellbeing of the Bottom is in the Top’s hands for the duration of play; they need to feel safe enough to let themselves fall and know that they will be whole when they come out the other end of that rabbit hole! The Top provides that milieu, that safety net, as well as the stimulus (spanking, dominance, power) that provokes the letting go. A sacred trust, Tops!
Communication is an obvious element (hopefully! If it’s not obvious then you need some schoolin!). Boundaries, emotional, verbal, physical, need to be clear between the players. But beyond the spoken communication, there is an unspoken question that must be answered. That is: WHO are we? To each other, to ourselves? Formal roleplays seem to provide the answers - but even in unstructured, spontaneous play, the players need to know who they are to one another. Are we lovers? Boyfriend/girlfriend? Those roles are well defined. But what if we’re meeting someone new? Not necessarily sure that we are going to date, not necessarily planning on sexual contact, only planning to play? Who are we? Are we just there for an agreed upon transaction – the Top gives a spanking and the Bottom receives, thanks and goodbye?? Like getting a massage (well, lower and harder!)?? I’ve never been able to figure out how relative strangers play – maybe one of you out there can illuminate me??
I guess it’s becoming more obvious that I prefer to play with a Top who is a friend. A Top who cares for me. That is the dynamic that works best for me. This requires knowing each other obviously! Anyway, back to Topping. I think that any Top needs to create an atmosphere of caring and safety, no matter the relationship. In my blog on emotionally unavailable Topping, I wrote that an emotionally shut down Top will have a hard time creating a safe, caring atmosphere for a Bottom. It’s very difficult for a Bottom to let go and let themselves be vulnerable with a Top who is detached and uncommunicative. Tops need to talk (at least a little) – how much is up to both players and this should be determined ahead of time. Different roleplays obviously require different behavior from both parties. It’s not so much about the amount of words spoken but the atmosphere created. Caring, safety, control.
Maybe it’s just me, but I need to feel an atmosphere of caring from a Top. I need to feel wanted and taken care of as well as dominated and disciplined. I don’t need to be constantly flattered but knowing that you are WANTED is kind of important, no? Aftercare is essential as I’ve written before. This means touch, holding, gentle communication and reassurance from the Top – how much of this is “in character” (ie as the stern disciplinarian) is up to the players. I like a lot of communication, from start to finish – scolding, direction, more scolding during the spanking and stern talk immediately after. But once that is done, I need and love lots of holding and reassurance. This can often have me crying more than the actual spanking, out of pure release of tension and the final letting go. If I’m simply spanked and then let up – well, that leaves me insecure, confused and very unsatisfied! Again, maybe that’s just me…
Obviously people are different and you all may have different ideas about this dynamic – please comment if you feel moved to do so! Thanks for reading!

Why don't I get RED???

Just posted some pics of my "damn fine ASS" as hubby reverently refers to it. Is it just me that doesn't get really red from spanking? I can get sore and hot but not red. We've tried to get me red for a pic, but I go from warm pink to bruised! Maybe I just bruise easily. It is frustrating! I've even BLED after days of spanking (chafing...), but none of that nice rosy color I see so much of. I'm thinking Photoshop!
Still happy with Brian, my new Top! He's attentive and affectionate, still fun and smart but nice and strict, the way I LOVE it. Of course, it's a long-distance relationship but we're both being open and honest with each other about the boundaries (I'm also married). Getting spanked over the phone now seems pretty natural; he's very good at scolding! I'm starting to resent my heavy hairbrush though...and I don't get really red from that either! More like pink, then bruised - unless it's so hard I get red speckles, but that spanking would have to be from him personally (or hubby) - I don't think I could spank myself that hard.

Some fun pics...complete with finger marks

Topping

How can a guy be an effective, satisfying Top if he is emotionally detached and unavailable? How can he handle the emotions that he is helping the Bottom to reveal if he is numb to his own emotional expression? Maybe some Bottoms prefer a detached, unemotional experience with very little affection. It doesn't work for me though. A bottom gives a Top an almost sacred trust; they are trusting the Top with not only their physical self but their emotional one as well. A bottom trusts that they can fall and that they will be caught safely and kept safe. If a Top is an iceberg who doesn't talk much or give physical contact beyond spanking I don't see how a bottom, at least one like me, can feel safe. Topping isn't just about beating an ass. At least for me it's about caring, communication and at least a little affection, especially after the spanking is done. Aftercare is ESSENTIAL. I'm not just talking about arnica -I'm talking about bringing the bottom back from that place where they allowed the Top to take them. Bringing the bottom back to Present Moment. Making sure that they are well, physically and emotionally - so many feelings and emotional patterns get revealed during even the most playful scenes! Bottoms need to be debriefed - no pun intended! I'm also aware that Tops need to come back to the moment as well. Tops experience a similar phenomena to the dreaded "sub drop" (the endorphin drop) - being aware of and in touch with the emotions involved could only help a Top get through this. Am I wrong? Anyone care to comment?

I have a new Top. Wow, never thought I'd write that, for many reasons. I'm really happy! Unfortunately he lives far away so we haven't seen each other yet. But I have to say, this guy does it right. Which leads me to examine what makes a good Top, for me? Well, first of all, he is respectful and always has been; he politely messaged me to initiate contact, nothing sexual. I like that. Some girls may like it when a Top, or a guy looking for a date even, says right off the bat that he wants to fuck you, but that turns me off. I like compliments for sure, but since I really think some guys will fuck anyone and anything, that particular topic, right away, doesn't make me feel at all special. My new Top has always been respectful of my boundaries, asking permission for anything he feels might be taking a new step and being completely willing to discuss our budding relationship. This is particularly important to me - defining the relationship. I am married. I am going to stay married. I am also exploring polyamory - and my husband and I are open about everything. The polyamory itself - revealing that desire - is problematic because to many (maybe most, not sure) men this says "easy". Just a tip for the guys: it doesn't mean that. But my new Top cared enough and was honest enough to discuss this with me. He is respectful of my marriage and although he might want "more", he knows that right now is the time to build a friendship and trust. We had a long conversation the first time we spoke on the phone and he asked me all about my desires and needs. The really important thing about this is that he listened. And the next time we spoke he was right on it! For the curious, I told him that I needed someone to show me that he cared about me as a person. Yes, I like to be petted and complimented but I also like a very firm Top who pays close attention to me and my actions and reacts the way I need him to. With my new guy this means that he noticed every time I said anything self-deprecating and dealt with it, firmly. I used to think I didn't care much about being made to appreciate myself; I'm aware and evolved and self confidence comes from within right? Well having someone deal with my bad habit of devaluing myself, in this specific, concrete way has really given me a boost! And guess what? I'm not putting myself down anymore, partially because I asked my husband to punish me for the same thing! So it has really worked! I feel empowered and completely worthy now - I realize that I deserve to be treated with respect, care and love and I'm asking for it! My new guy also is very specific in his compliments too. If I get spanked (and yes this is self spanking) he tells me what he knows about me thus far and specifically what he likes - and very little of it has to do with my looks. Though he does tell me how beautiful I am and for once - I believe it. So I suppose "doing it right" is caring enough to pay attention to me, as a person, not just an ass. "Doing it right" is being very firm when I test him - and I have (he passed). "Doing it right" is being very loving and attentive but appropriate for the stage of our relationship. "Doing it right" is showing me that I am important to him - I don't require constant attention but it's my view that if something or someone is important to you, you make time - even if it's just a 3 minute call or a text saying you'll chat next week! He shows me that I matter to him, that he wants to get to know me better. It also doesn't hurt that he is great on the phone; playful and funny sometimes, affectionate and open with his feelings, yet when it comes time for firmness (such as if I try to slip in a remark about myself that is less than complimentary) - he is THERE. He doesn't miss anything! I really need someone who sees me. He does. Not that I need validation from the outside - I know that this can only come from within, but it is really satisfying to relate this way to someone else. I hope that he feels good about himself as well - I've told him everything that I just wrote. He wouldn't be doing this Top thing right, for me, if he wasn't a good person to begin with. And he is.
About the self-spanking:
Yes, I really thought, in the beginning, that I wouldn't be able to get any satisfaction from this activity - I'm a practical person and it just seemed silly! But it has been really good! It's because of him! It's not the spanking or the pain that does it for me - I do actually bruise myself because I get into it. It's the voice on the other end of the phone that somehow transforms me into a naughty little girl who knows she's been bad and has to face the consequences! I've cried! this has almost never happened for me - once with my husband, that's it. But I've cried many times with my new guy, not from pain (though it does smart!) but from the whole scene - he does it right!! So I'm revising my previous opinion on self spanking - with the right Top it works for me!!

Switches and self spanking...

So today I did something new. I was chatting with a spanko friend online about life, our kids, work etc. Somehow we got around to talking about switches; the kind you get spanked with. I mentioned that I had never been switched but was really intrigued about the whole scenario - ever since a friend of mine said that he had thought of making me cut a switch (but he didn't...boo!). I've been curious ever since about what it would feel like to be ordered to go cut a switch. First of all, I'd be embarrassed. I have no idea how to choose, cut or prepare a switch - and I like to feel confident about things when I do them (I suppose the embarrassment is a big part of it though). I'd feel so silly! I'd probably stamp my foot and refuse to do it despite the consequences, just to avoid looking like an idiot LOL!
So I told my friend this and he suggested that I cut one and try it on myself, with his "guidance" (yeah, RIGHT). I thought about it and decided to do it - I've tried toys on myself before, no biggie. He told me what to do and I did it. I cut a medium sized switch off of my apple tree (about the thickness of the middle of my pinkie, about 18 inches long, as flexible as I could find). I tried to get all the bumpy parts off and even used my poceket knife to peel the bark off (yes, I have one - from when I was a kid - a pretty little mother of pearl handled one - still sharp enough for this!).
He told me to take everything off below my waist and bend over and give myself ten hard licks. I did, as hard as I could. It wasn't bad - stingy, whippy, with a lasting tingly burn. Then he had me do it fast, about 25 more licks. This hurt more - he said to do it less hard but I actually built up momentum and ended up hitting harder. That was fine - I wanted to see how hard I could do it! It stung and I got pretty warm , but it wasn't hugely painful. I just couldn't get the leverage to whip myself as hard as I think someone else would. Still, I had a few lines and redness. He told me I should have raised lines but I didn't. Leverage problem!
Next he had me switch the FRONT of my thighs, kind of on the inner thigh. Ten times each leg, hard. OK THIS HURT. More leverage obviously, plus this area is really sensitive. Definite marks and lasting stingy burn. I still feel it as I'm writing this and it's been a couple of hours. He had me do this a few times, both front and back and tell him how I felt. Then he had me grab my hairbrush and spank myself twenty times on each cheek hard. Well I CAN spank myself with the brush pretty hard - it's very heavy so if I get a good swing going, ouch. But I really have never self spanked - I just know from trying the brush out a few times. So yeah, the brush hurt and left me pretty red.
Another kind of funny thing about this -and I'm gonna get in trouble for this - is that I was on the phone with someone else for half of this switching experiment! I can never tell someone to call back LOL - besides, I kind of liked having someone hear me do this. But the result of that was that I got in trouble for that and had to spank myself with the DAMN BRUSH like fifty times for making my friend on the phone jealous!! Well, that and I said something bad about myself. Now I'm sore and probably bruised because he was listening and making sure it was hard. Ouch.
So ended my first exploration of self spanking and switching. Result? I am still intrigued with the switch and want to play with it. I actually like the lasting sting. In an experienced Top's hand, it could be quite a thrill. And yes, I know it would hurt. The whole "scene" of being threatened with it, being made to go cut it, etc, would be amazing I think. We'll see - maybe someday I'll get to do it for real. Oh, a Top with a sexy southern accent would just send me over the edge with that scene too. LOL!! In the meantime, I saved the switch for my hubby and we'll see how he does! He's going to most likely give it to me pretty hard tonight - any marks I have from this little experiment will just inspire him. GRRRR!
Self spanking? Eh, no biggie. Doesn't turn me on - but someone ordering me to do it while on the phone, scolding me, etc? Yeah, that does it for me, but it's the ordering and scolding more than the pain of spanking. I have too much real spanking experience to get really excited about anything less than being dragged forcibly across a lap!