Saturday, August 22, 2009

Been awhile...

A lot has happened since my last entry...all pretty good but definitely not easy! My personal life is ever-evolving as my husband of 21 years and I face the challenges of growth and change. It has been about a year since I came out to him as polyamorous and told him I couldn't pretend anymore, that I couldn't "do marriage" as we've been doing it (ie monogamously). He's been going through amazing growth...doesn't necessarily mean he is poly...but we decide each day to stay with our relationship and make it work for both of us. For the first time in my life, I don't know exactly what's going to happen...and I'm being still with it.
Anyway...aside from the poly evolution, my husband is also dealing with my need for spanko playmates...another point of insecurity for him that he is processing in his own way. He is not really a spanko...he spanks me because I love it and he likes my reaction...intense arousal! But if he were single, spanking would not be the first (or second) thing he would think of doing with a woman. He only likes to spank me...has no desire to play with others and has a hard time understanding why I desire it, especially if there is no sex involved (aside form the obvious arousal of the spanking itself). But, he accepts my desires and yes, I play with others.
The form of this play has changed since last year though - I will admit that when I hopped a plane and travelled to meet (and stay with) a spanko friend last year, I was desperate. I absolutely had to get AWAY...and this boy (he was 28, I was 42) offered an escape, at least for a few days. The spanking was mediocre; too severe, no real warmup and no endorphin rush (I hadn't experienced that at all yet at that time). I ended up really badly bruised...but I loved it, because the entire experience was a fantasy and I was crushing on the guy. This won't happen again...no more taking off. And oh yeah, I slept with him too. Mistake on many levels...my husband knew about it, yes, but it was a mistake, trust me. That won't happen again either.
I had another crazy, acting-out experience soon after that trip....same kind of thing, only local. Not a good choice. Live and learn. Seems that the lessons I didn't learn at 20 years old about men, dating, sex (because I got married and avoided the whole thing!) were still necessary.
Fast forward to now...and I have a local playmate. Completely non-sexual...he is monogamously married and we've played together, the three of us (one Top to two bottoms). Amazing. The first time we played, he spanked me for two hours; four separate spankings with lots of checking in and talk. I flew! I was so blissed out by the end of the playtime...I finally got what I was really needing and wanting! The endorphin high lasted for a good three days...and I wasn't even bruised, just red for a day or so. The second time we palyed i got to indulge my "public" fantasy a bit....his wife watched, because I asked her to. We chatted and bratted while I was across his lap...maybe not the smartest time to brat, but oh well! Got her into trouble...and I got to watch my first real life adult spanking.
My husband? He's cool with this arrangement. I've been careful to involve him in every aspect of this...he needs to feel safe - which is to say he needs to feel that I am safe. He still doesn't get why we do this, maybe he never will. He may never participate in play with another couple, he may never feel comfortable going to a spanking party...but he's ok with me doing it. We're deciding every day to stay with each other...and that means staying with the real person, not some idealized version in a long-ago wedding photo.
Meanwhile...I'm playing and having a blast! I swear, I think I'd never be depressed again if I got properly spanked on a regular basis...that means long, with a build up and eventually pretty hard - until I cry. That's happened twice with my new playmate(s). Once with my husband...he's also learning what I need.

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